16 Dec 2012

You Should Probably Avoid Me On Trains

I go visit my Dad once a month, and he lives roughly a four hour a train ride away from my house in Derbyshire. I spend a lot of my time on trains. I do three things while I'm traveling, and they are reading, looking out of the window, and staring at my fellow passengers like a massive creep, and generally being terrified, because I have to spend four hours inside a moving tin can with these people, and, oh my God, what if one of them's a murderer.
Last time I went up, I spent my train journey organizing my fellow passengers into neat little packages; I have finally come up with five sub-categories.

  1. The confused, creepy one. Can be spotted by the cheap shirt, anorak  and overall kicked-puppy look. Usually hasn't shaved for a few days, and smells like vodka cheese. Will probably attempt to watch porn on his phone, before getting too nervous and calling his mother instead. Will sit close enough to you that he can look down your top, but not close enough that you can actually call the police.
  2. The loud, child bearing one. Hard to miss, due to the amount of noise she's making. Will have one or more screaming children sitting on her lap, which she occasionally drops into one of the (many) Primark bags at her feet. Will, at some point call her friends to gossip about last weeks party. Big earrings, questionable colour of fake tan.
  3. The knitted one. Doesn't actually know how to knit, but dressed from head to toe in knitwear and denim. Boys have fringes bigger than their faces, and converse with holes in. Girls have cheap, black eye shadow, and are wearing very uncomfortable looking shorts.  The ones that you irrationally hate for being skinny. also the only group that refuses to travel alone. 
  4. The quirky one. Usually Japanese fashion students. Have manicured crew cuts, designer purses and nice shoes. Could be male, female, both or neither, but you fancy them anyway. Will go the entire journey without saying a word, and but will instead read on their iPad, while listening to foreign hip hop.
  5. The nervous one. Will stand right next to the door, ready to jump out at a moments notice. Also doesn't want to take up seat room for other passengers, because he's the type you want to bring home to your mum. Will wear a well cut shirt, carry a computer bag, and have cuff links you can only dream of. Looks as scared as you feel.

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